I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
His nipple licking is glorious
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