i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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