Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
