Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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