he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
