Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
