dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
