I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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