I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
