I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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