I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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