I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
