I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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