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Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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