Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
