3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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