Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
