i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
