She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
