I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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