i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
