If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
