This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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