I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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