My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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