i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
