It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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