Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
