Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I need a burrito and a hug.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
