I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
