My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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