shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
