Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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