Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize