He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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