The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
