I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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