i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
