The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
