are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize