i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
