then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
