If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
