I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
