My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
