As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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