I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
