Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
false alarm, still single
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
