I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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