Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
