I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Randomize
