she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
