census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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