Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
