I wish you could order shots online.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
