Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
