What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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