i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
