...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
